Being my brothers keeper.

I am amazed by the duplicity that dominates religious rhetoric.   Someone explain to me how welfare organizations that are Federally funded differ from those of religious origin in respect to morality.  My only quick notice is that of an elitist perspective.  While I admit that my knowledge is heavily slanted by the religious upbringing I experienced in Utah, where poverty was battled with subsidized lunches, but also by a religious ministration reliant on fast offerings and donations, contingent upon affiliation of course.  (On a long term basis, mind you, this is not a post directed towards large one time donations due to natural disasters, or other singular calamities.)  While I understand that the reputation of Government is not of virtue and prudence per se, there is no disclaimer that states that only a church or religious entity can be interested in the welfare of its patrons.  I also know many individuals enter political office in an attempt to make the world a better place.  Why is it that we will "feed the children" without batting an eyelash, but at some undetermined interval inflict judgment as a precursor of hunger or thirst?  If your going to eat the bread, you have to drink the punch?

Which isn't to state that the beauraucratic idiosyncracies of our government don't have thier own restrictions.  While there are many hot button issues, healthcare, welfare, and abortion are certainly an unholy trinity in some circles.  At the root of each of these issues however is that glimmer to make the world a better place.  As eternal as the wellspring of hope, there is need.  When something is created there is automatically a division of the populace: those with, and those without.  Society has been divided many times over along visible and invisible fault lines.  Male, female, young, old, Democrat, Republican.  Imagine the strain felt by an Transgendered 24 year old college coed Independant.  I must interject that I find argument based in extremes to be unhelpful except in the dire extremes that they mirror, in the event that there are only 12 people left to repopulate the planet, I'll have long since resigned myself to fate.  I don't believe in prolonging the inevitable.  Which isn't to say that for those 12 individuals food wouldn't be an all consuming issue (no pun intended).  But for a modern 24 year old college coed some of those issues could be just as dire. 

I have to state that as a principle I do not believe in charity as an organization.  I will also state for the record that I am an extremely selfish and metrialistic person, and as noted on my Facebook profile, Jesus thinks I am a selfish bitch.  As an individual act Charity becomes an entirely different manner as 1 Corinthians 13:13 exhorts us that "the greatest of these is charity."  (I will offer to buy a sandwich or food for the homeless.)(I will also admit that my first reaction to that those who distinctly desire only money are of an ill caste-whether my assumptions are correct isn't really the point.)  I also do not believe that people value things that they recieve for free.   I want to muddy the waters here and introduce public education, the national endowments for the Arts, Parks and recreation, and the department of transportation.  All of which are funded with tax dollars.  Should I be angry that as a homosexual I pay for the education of your children?  I also believe it counterproductive to demarcate every aspect of ones life.  Which is not neccessarily the advice admonished in Mark 12:17, or perhaps it is if you believe that we are the creations of an all powerful, omnipotent, omnipowerful, presence. (heretofore which shall be abbreviated as POOP).  So in an effort to render that which is Ceasar's and that which is God's: if I were to ask to remove in God we trust from our monetary denominations would there be a furor?  Therefore I must infer that the individual intent of our actions is the mark of our virtue; regardless of whether one is a Democrat or Republican, Baptist or Mormon.

In conclusion of the metaphorical implication of the title, and my limited understanding that the jealousy of Cain was aroused by the acceptance of Able's willing sacrifice when compared to the begrudged offerings.  As exemplified by this passage from Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary on the Bible regarding Genesis 4:8-15

Malice in the heart ends in murder by the hands. Cain slew Abel, his own brother, his own mother's son, whom he ought to have loved; his younger brother, whom he ought to have protected; a good brother, who had never done him any wrong...Observe the pride, unbelief, and impenitence of Cain. He denies the crime, as if he could conceal it from God. He tries to cover a deliberate murder with a deliberate lie...Cain was cursed from the earth. He found his punishment there where he chose his portion, and set his heart. Every creature is to us what God makes it, a comfort or a cross, a blessing or a curse. The wickedness of the wicked brings a curse upon all they do, and all they have. Cain complains not of his sin, but of his punishment. It shows great hardness of heart to be more concerned about our sufferings than our sins. God has wise and holy ends in prolonging the lives even of very wicked men."

While I wouldn't go as far as murder, to kill is defined as depriving of life in any manner. I would say that by our omission death is the rational end for individuals who do not have access to modern healthcare.  Just as the intent of the homeless, or the intent of Cain -- the arena of judgement is not mine, so I will not judge the means that have left many of my fellow Americans without health coverage.  Which as a footnote I'll mention that God is no respecter of persons so my arbitrary distinction between immigrant or illegal alien will probably hold little water in heaven.

Everybody's got their something...

I make no mystery of the fact that if it is shiny and reflective I more than likely want to own it - even if it similar but not identical to something I already possess. I could also make the same statement regarding designer status, rarity, and blue stripe shirts. To have and to hold (read fondle) forever always. But I confess that my true desire is in the seeking of the object not the moment of ownership. Perhaps the sense of comfort that familiarity breeds leads to contempt; the realization when you open your closet and see that every shirt is the same shade and you have nothing to wear. When you look in the mirror and see last nights meal of McDonald's cheeseburger and fries reconstituted and repositioned on your thighs. The realization that you are just like your mother - and your father. I realize that being human has its conditions -- we're not perfect. So we create beings that are supernatural, all knowing, omnipotent, omnipresent and short on two way communication.
I realize the freedom granted to the psyche when absolved of guilt. I understand the desire to seek virtue, with the exception of patience (seriously.) But I can't fathom the ineptitude required for submission. I'm sure that creatures such as vampires, fairies, and ghosts are located on the same spectrum as visions, angels, and God. Just as I'm sure that the Christian God, Almighty Allah, and Queen Mab are different versions of the shirts in my closet.Dear readers I'm sure the analogy of something as urbane as shirts in a closet to the myriad pantheon of gods which mortals place their faith is disturbing to some of you, and I do not seek your discomfort but the clarity of thought to step beyond your gut reflex. I'm asking you to act not react. I recently read an anecdote involving a young child in a religious setting who simply stated his opinion. "That Jesus is a fake." Much to the mortification of his parent(s) who may or may not rely on the adage out of the mouth of babes. I may be wrong in my summation; as children are saved in Christ within this particular belief structure, I would hope that the salvation of the child's soul was not a concern (see statement above regarding intelligence). So I am led to believe that the chagrin was based in the embarrassment felt by the parent(s) in a minefield of social judgment - because the child didn't mimic the predetermined homogeneous behaviour. If the child were mine I'd say (and believe)he was brilliant.
The media outlets are awash in the doomsday foretelling of Wallstreet, terrorism, and war. My prescription to change the planet: stop the indoctrination of children. Religion should be a choice of a rational mind. But its just an opinion.

Thanks to Ryan Williamson for the permission to post these photos.

Maybe it starts in the terrible twos--

the why, why, why of it all. Self-awareness is the basis of what makes us mortal, fallible, and real. Each of us wants to be exceptional, but what defines us as a species is our compulsion to delude ourselves into believing that each of us is unique, different and, in some sense, immortal – while the human race inexorably arranges its own extinction. That desire to better oneself, to attain perfection, or even measure oneself against a whole. I'll admit that the human mind fascinate me. We have an amazing ability to remember, label, and classify object, experiences and even thoughts. Beauty is an ideal for some, myself included. I am mesmerized by the play of light across a body of water. Fountains offer countless hours of distraction as do flames lapping at a hearth in winter. Serene in the stillness, a respite from a hectic world or a return to nature and the simple knowledge that the elements consume constantly. Seasons come and go; first stark and barren fields are worked and toiled, graced by water, sun, and seed. But risk and dangers are continual; an early (or late) frost, insect infestation, or drought can wreak havoc. In that vein artists across the generations have attempted to capture images of bountiful harvest and irrepressible fertility, to counter barren winter months and dispel dark winter thoughts. These attempts may be the nearest to immortality we may come. I adhere to the adage that we came into the world with nothing and we leave with nothing. While life should not be a solitary thing; self expression--the ability to share our viewpoint, thoughts, feelings, and reactions--stands at the core of art. Artists have a variety of visual outlets; painting, sculpture, drawing, and photography. Others paint with words through poetry. It is in these acts of creation that we are nearest the concept of a god, acting as he has acted arranging matter for the edification and good of man. Some escape to completely fantastical worlds, and while I appreciate the work of Salvador Dali, I don't respond to it as I do the Dutch masters, or the geniuses of the Renaissance. Whose artistic representations are merely imitations of known objects. I agree with Leo Tolstoy; art is not meant for purely individual expression but should be employed to lay open what is universal in man. Art also provides a history of the intellect of mankind - allowing glimpses into our collective development as a species, and of our shortcomings from age to age. Life is filled with choices. The struggle to achieve what is right through our choices has two aspects: the rights of the individual or human rights in general stand on one side, while the abstract concept of righteousness lies on the other, transcending individual or collective interests, occupying a pinnacle of rectitude indifferent to consequence or collective utility. Which are we to choose as we calibrate our moral compass? A belief can turn into something larger, a truth – something which is unquestioned and unalterable and which affects every man, woman, and child. What makes something right or wrong for that matter? Is it a government decree, a theological pronouncement, a prevailing opinion, either in the majority or the minority? Which of these do we serve and which do we ignore? Each person born on this earth is allowed the capacity to explore, to learn, and to experience. And with each birth, growth and development, a slightly different moral universe is created, as cognition is shaped by varied attitudes and emotions, virtues and vices. But the basis of my life is this: I will try to learn and grow each day by experiencing new and exciting things along with routine necessities that my body must have. I must sleep, I must eat, and I must drink. These are staples of my existence. But I can elevate these experiences by actively seeking to open myself to a variety of influences. Remaining objective is more complicated than it appears. The effort is aided by opening the consciousness to a wide array of influences and allowing no opinion to grow so exalted as to become impervious to objective reality and reason. Having an opinion is necessary in so many aspects of life; in fact, society almost requires it of us (as witness the incessant polling of the last election cycle and the inadmissibility of “undecided” as a response). While opinion is an inalienable right, one should try to build an educated position that resonates with reason and experience, rather than recite a derivative mantra which satisfies only the need to identify with some larger collective or to be accepted and loved on the basis of conformity. Worse still is ignorance. Society allows us great privileges. Many people sacrificed blood, sweat and tears, or life itself for freedom of thought and expression. It is quite easy to squander that birthright in exchange for the pottage of social approval. Any achievement requires some type of sacrifice, whether it is paid in labor, in loss or in alienation. Nothing worthwhile is ever achieved without a venture of social capital.
The metaphor of life as a footrace is fitting, since it implies a definite beginning and end with some fixed distance stretching between. But it breaks down when we consider the competitive aspect. One’s race is not against another; it is only measured against the self. We grow each day as new experiences present themselves to us in choice and action. Knowledge, much like freedom, can be damning; we have the rope in hand and can either hang ourselves with it or build a bridge to a better future. I have been taught right from wrong, and have made decisions to the best of my ability. Wisdom is the facility to apply the understanding that one has reaped from the field of experience for the betterment of self and society. The power and freedom of agency is, in short, an amazing gift. But the consequences measured in the long term could bring either a blessing or a curse quite beyond our control; they are not subject to our choice. I believe that similar to Newton’s laws of action and reaction, once an action is set into motion it must complete its course along pathways ordained by the power of current circumstance. Each chain of events has its own internal logic and, combined with many other individual choices, it balloons into a larger dynamic of action and consequence that the individual can scarcely anticipate; if he cannot anticipate it, it follows that he cannot hold himself accountable for it. The question of good or evil in this scenario becomes a moot point. The individual can only affect good or evil through his actions in so far as he can anticipate their ends. Intention alone is the essence of morality or immorality, just as Kant held. There are few simple truths in life: only that never and always statements are false. And that taxes and death are inevitable.

Quite the conundrum...

So I have a few options on the table and those of you who know me know that choices aren't really my forte. I often let life sort itself out. The problem with this in the past is that I usually gripe about the outcome. How does one know what one wants till one has it? I'll also remind my dearest readers that patience is not a virtue I possess. I've been preparing the house for a move so that I could be closer to le boyfriend, and return to school full time. This is very important I hate being away from him-although we do spend weekends together and it has given him some bonding time with his father, who is ageing. I think that in the future Larry will not regret the opportunity to be with his Dad. My career has a promising lead that requires me to stay in Charlotte. I'll be able to continue my education in the evenings come fall. I have to admit that I follow Suze Orman's lessons regarding money. People First, then money, then things. And by that equation moving is most important, and the "correct" thing to do.

The Human Condition...

Maybe it starts in the terrible two's the why, why, why of it all. But sentience is the basis of what makes us mortal, fallible, and well real. I'd digress to go down the what is reality vs. what is illusion schema's so I'll withdraw. I'm in one of those rare phases where I understand something, but just can't keep hold of all the concepts entirely. Kind of like being in a special ed class and realizing that I'm smarter than most but not as smart as everyone else. And that dear readers is my concept of Hell. While each of us want to be exceptional, I am no different, but what defines us as a species is the rare thought that each of us are unique and different -- and barreling towards extinction. That desire to better oneself, or even measure oneself against a whole. I refuse to believe that God is more loving to one group of people based on religion, nationality, or gender.

Life and times...

Just a little note to state that the semester starts on Thursday the 10th, and as I am always unsure how the coursework will be don't feel left out if writing slows a bit, of course I have oodles of time off from work this week so I should be able to post any whim that comes across my desk. Could be a blessing could be a curse. Consider that fair warning.

God bless us everyone...

The holiday open house was fantastic, le Boyfriend told me I was effervescent and charming, and while I do try to be charming it is not always possible - I have had a few deadpan reactions this week. When asked by a child if the wrapped chocolates were indeed chocolates I told him "No." Later the same day I approached a store patron to be recieved by the greeting "We are having a private discussion; A,B,C your way out of it." Where in I politely informed them that we approach each of our customers it was not to offend them, but to be polite. "Can't we just look anywhere in this mall!" Kind of surreal when you mash it all together. It would take a long time to ellicit the moral in the story but it is this: that for every person who loves you, there are those who will not, you can't please everyone, and no one really likes everyone or I wouldn't have done an invitation only event, now would I? But each of us have a spark of the divine and if nothing else we should let it rest upon that. Although I do sport a keychain that reads: I do not discriminate, I hate everone equally. Though I better post the disclaimer. It's a thin line.

The thought that counts...

With the impending holiday season descending on the malls and stores of America, I could start a diatribe on the commercialization of the holidays, and the homogenization when you can shop for Halloween decorations and Christmas cards in the same trip. But as an advocate of celebrations I also understand the staff and logistical solutions this early advent provides. Ultimately it is you and I who decide the sentiment of a season, while I do have my seasonal favorites, a cadbury egg just wouldn't be the same in October, and likewise Marshmallow peeps are synonymous in my diet with spring. Foods unite us, the most basic necessity for sustenance whether we are rich, poor, fit, unhealthy, blind, or deaf. And food preferences can hearken to childhood comfort, cultural identity, or even preparatory expertise. I admit shedding a tears upon the passing of Ms. Julia Child, I spent many happy afternoons watching her prepare delectable en tree's, appetizers, and my personal favorite desserts.

But the season escorts many worries as well as wants. The spirit of abundance has greatly blessed our happy nation, and the gifts of luxury and taste that will decorate many homes are not afforded by all, but I'm sure there is always a hunger. Please reflect on the joy, and blessings we experience each day before the hustle of the holidays. Spread the joy and love through all seasons of the year, and make a donation now while the proverbial coin purse is full.

Reason #482...

One of the reasons I love my partner is that we both enjoy playing devils advocate. I have recently enrolled back in school dedicated to actually graduate from college, as this is the third time. It's not lack of will power or detertmination. Dropping out was an economic choice on one front, but heavily tied to emotional well being and a cross country move on the previous endeavor. But I already feel like the odd man out and it's the second day of class. I don't think myself smarter than the average bear, but I really dislike when adults cannot think for themselves.

To elaborate, when discussing art appreciation, it is inherant that the enjoyment of art is subjective, but is it so much to ask that people leave their religious and moral prejudice at the door. One classmate likened the artist Andres Serrano to a child molester, and claimed mortal offense. But I retorted that an image is a likeness and carries no inherant holiness, nor do the materials elevated the work to such high status. The offense is taken from the title. Coupled with a fundamentally Christian belief that the body is evil. In a room of 54 I was the only truly unoffended person. In short this makes me want to move.

Painting: Piss Christ by Andres Serrano

Life is filled with battles of equal footing. This battle for right is two fold: the rights of an individual or human rights, and also a tangent of the word as in right, concept of truth, i.e. righteousness. The ability to turn a belief into something larger, a truth, something unquestioned and unalterable. Something that affects every man, woman, and offspring. What makes something right, or wrong for that matter, a decree, a ruler, a president, and opinion, a majority, a minority? Which of these do we serve, which one do we ignore? Each person born onto this earth is allowed rights to explore, learn, and experience. And with each birth, a new dichotomy is created, as human beings are filled with varied attitudes and emotions, virtues and vices. But the basis of my life is this; I will try to learn and grow each day by experiencing new and exciting things along with routine, necessities that my body must have: I must sleep, I must eat, I must drink. These are staples of my existence. But I can elevate these experiences with diversity.

While I try to keep an objective point of view and an open mind, the path of life is varied and circumstance alters point of view. Remaining objective is more complicated than it appears. Having an opinion is necessary in so many aspects of life. While opinion is an inalienable right, one should try to cultivate an educated opinion, rather than a second hand citation, worse still is ignorance. Society allows us great privileges. Many people gave blood, sweat and tears, or in short life. For those are the components of living. Any necessary achievement requires at least one form of the above, whether it is in labor or love that it is given.
The analogy of life as a race is fitting with a definite beginning and end; and some distance traveled in the journey between. But the competitive edge that we develop early in life is misrepresented. Your race is not against anyone else, it is only within yourself. Not merely an abstract thought, we grow each day as new experiences present themselves to us in choice and action. Which are not so simply either or. Our choices lead to action, and by our action or inaction: our choices. Consequently in our imperfect world; another truth, a law of science that for every action there is an equal or opposite reaction.

So what to do when a conflict arises?

Knowledge the most dangerous weapon: much like freedom, can be damning; we have the noose and can hang ourselves. I would state that I have been taught right from wrong, and have made decisions to the best of my ability. This would be wisdom; to apply the knowledge one has garnered. But the answer here for conflict is not a trite one. For if there truly is a war raging every day with the souls of men as spoils, such decisions are not to be lightly made. Nor can this noble fight for the love of another be discarded, for heartache is just as lonely a war as martyrdom. The power and freedom of agency, in short choice, an amazing gift. Howecer, the consequences measured out could bring a blessing or curse beyond our control.

There are few simple truths in life: only that never and always statements are false. And that taxes and death are inevitable.

Let the sun shine...

One may think wealth is the quickest way to find happiness; that pursuit of the ages as hinted in our Declaration of Independence. I do not think myself avaricious, but admit that if judged by appearance alone I could be lumped in this category. I have mistakenly chosen a quest to serve the almighty dollar. I often equate happiness with contentment and admit I very rarely possess this feeling. As far as synonyms I think joy a more worthy aim, but I find it as fickle and fleeting a thing.
Previous blogs would prove that I do not find myself in this euphoric state often. I believe moments of joy are the defense against the darkest of all human defeats. I do not have children but I suspect that the moment of childbirth, an act riddled with pain, after the pain has subsided, when a mother holds a child for the first time would be best described as joyous. I feel something similar but smaller in scale as the flowers in my garden bloom. Amazed at the grandeur of its design. This element of life and living is a fragile state. The very things needed to give us life: earth, air, and water; can also be instruments of destruction. These thoughts of wonder are tempered by memories of anger, loss, and injustice. And I will freely admit that these are the emotions I know all too well.
When hopes are dashed and ones time has been squandered, frustration is sure to follow, if an element of intellect has been applied to the equation. Innocence and naivete must surely be lost or cast aside. But how is self respect to remain. This internal conflict is a hereditary aspect of my youth. Hence my name, goodnevili, life has elements of good and evil, and in elements of art and light this battle is often portrayed in shades of black and white. When combined hues of gray emerge and the spectrum develops.

To thine own self be true...

I admire the works of Shakespeare. Sublime and smutty in the same body of work. Purveyor of wit and wisdom, would that all my conversation possessed these virtues! The tragedy that is love encompassed within Romeo and Juliet - would it be as eternal if they were to live in peace? The brutality of Titus Andronicus where torture, cannibalism, and rape comprise the plot twists - are we so far removed from these atrocities in 300 years? Is the justice sought by Shylocke unreasonable?
I confess that my thoughts of late have centered on a travesty: and I cannot formulate if I am incapable of forgiveness; or if to do so would just add more insult and injury within my psyche. I admit that the ego is a frail and shallow thing, and in matters of pride I try to step softly, as all actions carry consequence. I don't believe myself to be of a difficult persuasion and quite predisposed to be happy or in the least jovial - In former times I have even been lectured on brevity. I came to understand early in life that there are forces one cannot counter or interact, but I continue to hope for an end to tyranny. In the moments that I must admit defeat, an almost overwhelming sense of frustration encircles me. And I wonder for what purpose? I have always believed in the appropriateness of feeling - if you feel anger there is a reason, is not ones perception the cornerstone of ones reality?
I also hold a strange frustration with my upbringing and religious training. I do not think belief a frivolous thing, as I am wont to believe that thoughts lead to action. Playing a martyr is not a role I relish, I would like to continue in the belief that one has the power to create ones own destiny and life.

You know you're old when...

PBS music specials actually intrigue you. You get your first gray hair. You'd rather listen to NPR than the top 40. You finally understand that channel surfing is borne of frustration not attention deficit. The three letter word you fixate on is NAP. You comprehend why age and treachery will always trump youth and beauty.
So I wanted this to be blithe, but I find that soul bearing is not my forte. Granted I admit I was less than thrilled to have a gray hair of my very own. But the thought of aging gracefully seems to be easier for the male sex. Not without its shortcomings mind you. I mean who is really thrilled by the prospect of ear, nose, and toe hair? But I don't feel the biological clock tick, tick, ticking. The pull, pull, pull, of the covers, and the toss, turn, sigh of a sleepless spouse are another story.
I do feel a disconnect from those younger than myself, and perplexed by an apparent lack of work ethic and a heated sense of entitlement. I don't seem to connect to music on MTV or the radio as I once did.
I do feel that opportunity is passing and that I need to develop a more stringent plan for my life and use of my talents. I think that the fear of death, failure, complacency, and futility is palpable.